Sometimes you just need a little humor on a Friday.
Writing Wishes and Plotting Dreams,
Vicki
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Friday, January 30, 2009
Friday Funny - How To Be Cruel To An AARP Guy
Sometimes you just need a little humor on a Friday.
Writing Wishes and Plotting Dreams,
Vicki
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Working Through the Storm Day Job Style
I haven't heard from the winner of Roxanne's book, Now You Die, so please email me your snail mail addy. If I don't hear from you by Sunday I'll need to draw another name.
Some office humor for hurricane's and friend sent to me and I thought I'd share.
Office Procedures Concerning Storm and Office Closings
As we watch the progress of the storm, the following are the
firm's guidelines based upon the hurricane's intensity:
Hurricane Category #1
No excuse for being late. Leave earlier to give extra time to
avoid fallen trees and limbs.
Hurricane Category #2
Due to the horizontal rain, you may wear jeans.
Hurricane Category #3
Whereas most of the area will be flooded we suggest you
avoid wearing open toe sandals when coming to work. Canoes will be
provided to get to the building safely without getting wet.
Hurricane Category #4
More than likely there will be no electricity. Given that, we
will have manual typewriters available to all staff members. Please take
extra caution and wear water-proof make-up if Category 4 or above.
Hurricane Category #5
Velcro will be provided to keep you attached to your chairs when
the windows blow out. For those that survive, we will have chocolate
cake at 3:00 pm in the kitchen.
Although this was an on the job humor sent to me, I am praying for everyone who will be in the path of Ike for safety for you and your families.
Writing Wishes and Plotting Dreams,
Vicki
Some office humor for hurricane's and friend sent to me and I thought I'd share.
Office Procedures Concerning Storm and Office Closings
As we watch the progress of the storm, the following are the
firm's guidelines based upon the hurricane's intensity:
Hurricane Category #1
No excuse for being late. Leave earlier to give extra time to
avoid fallen trees and limbs.
Hurricane Category #2
Due to the horizontal rain, you may wear jeans.
Hurricane Category #3
Whereas most of the area will be flooded we suggest you
avoid wearing open toe sandals when coming to work. Canoes will be
provided to get to the building safely without getting wet.
Hurricane Category #4
More than likely there will be no electricity. Given that, we
will have manual typewriters available to all staff members. Please take
extra caution and wear water-proof make-up if Category 4 or above.
Hurricane Category #5
Velcro will be provided to keep you attached to your chairs when
the windows blow out. For those that survive, we will have chocolate
cake at 3:00 pm in the kitchen.
Although this was an on the job humor sent to me, I am praying for everyone who will be in the path of Ike for safety for you and your families.
Writing Wishes and Plotting Dreams,
Vicki
Friday, September 5, 2008
Friday Funny and Our Winner
An interesting fact I forgot to share with you on Monday is, Roxanne St. Claire is a 2008 National Reader's Choice Award winner. And really, is it any wonder, once you read any of her books?
It's time to announce the winner of the third Bullet Catcher book, Now You Die. As always, a little cyber drum roll if you will...and the winner is...Marian!!! (picture her eyelashes fluttering as sparkles of confetti land on her upturn face)
Marian, email me with your snail addy at vickilanewrite @yahoo.com and I'll get your book out to you. Major congrats and come back and let's know how you love it. :)
Here's a little Friday funny...
Single ad printed in Atlanta Journal..
SINGLE FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
(Scroll down)
………….Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.
See you this afternoon,
Vicki
It's time to announce the winner of the third Bullet Catcher book, Now You Die. As always, a little cyber drum roll if you will...and the winner is...Marian!!! (picture her eyelashes fluttering as sparkles of confetti land on her upturn face)
Marian, email me with your snail addy at vickilanewrite @yahoo.com and I'll get your book out to you. Major congrats and come back and let's know how you love it. :)
Here's a little Friday funny...
Single ad printed in Atlanta Journal..
SINGLE FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
(Scroll down)
………….Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.
See you this afternoon,
Vicki
Friday, July 18, 2008
I'm a Mommy, Oh and a Friday Funny....
Last night we saw our mommy duck, (well technically not our mommy duck, she's made herself at home in our back yard) with three little babies walking as close to her as possible.
There are still two or three eggs as of last night, so I'm not sure how many babies there will be or if they'll all survive. (That's the scary part) The mommy duck doesn't have any of the colorful feathers now, since she made a nest with them. Anyway, here's some pics of them, and then below that is a Friday Funny a friend sent to me.
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!
Writing Wishes and Plotting Dreams,
Vicki
Friday, June 27, 2008
TGIF
Yay, it's Friday!!! I don't know about you, but the week started out slow and then became crazy. But the weekend is almost here and that means I have two whole days to write, critique, and plot. Gotta love those weekends.
This was just sent to me and I had to add it. I did have research to find where it came from, and this is, where I hope it came from. I do like to give props to the right people/place. THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
See, told you those were great!
~Vicki
This was just sent to me and I had to add it. I did have research to find where it came from, and this is, where I hope it came from. I do like to give props to the right people/place. THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
See, told you those were great!
~Vicki
Monday, February 18, 2008
Contest, Blog Check Outs and Retirement Homes
It’ Monday and President’s day, which for some of us means time off from the day job. WhooHoo, I’m one of those people. :) Since I have a little more time on my hands than normal, the blog is long today, but well worth the read. Lot’s of good things happening.
It also means it is time for a new contest. Actually I’m going to announce two contest. Yay, I love to have contest, especially when I’ve just finished reading a great book!
The first one is for Ellie, who won on my Pay It Forward contest. Since she doesn’t have a blog, she is going to do her PIF contest through mine. Her PIF runs from today through next Monday, February 25th. All you need to do is leave comments to her each day in order to be entered. Once she announces the winner I’ll post her email contact and she’ll take it from there.
Prizes for her contest include books, chocolate or a cute item. Ellie tell us what the cute item is.
This week I’ll be giving away a copy of Stacey Kayne’s book Maverick Wild.
This is the second book in the Wild series and I could not put it down. Now I’m waiting (not patiently mind you, but waiting) for the last in the series to come out. And no, I’m not giving away mine, it’s signed by Stacey to me. Who ever wins will receive a brand new shiny one. Stacey is also blogging over on Writers at Play today. Another great blog, where she and other authors or very soon be authors blog.
Here’s the back cover blurb:
Chance Morgan had locked away his heart. Until Cora Mae Tindale crossed half the country to find him. The beguiling creature who insisted on turning his serviceable ranch into a home was hiding something—and Chance was hell-bent on finding out her secrets!
Cora Mae only wanted a place to hide, but her youthful protector had grown into a war-hardened rancher with looks that could tempt a saint. Yet his dark glances were filled with distrust…and unmistakable desire. Cora Mae's childhood crush was rapidly becoming a much more adult craving!
I’ve mentioned Bruce’s blog before and if you didn’t go check it out and make it a daily read then, you should now. He’s Leslie Kelly, from the Plotmonkey’s husband and his blog rocks.
Reading his blog I found, stumbled, or whatever you want to call it, onto Malicious Intents blog. Love this blog. And it’s where I found the clock. Props to you MI.
The other day she posted this post from her father-in-law and I told her I was going to post it here. So, just when you thought you knew everything for retirement…think again, my friend.
From MI’s blog:
NO NURSING HOME FOR US
Guess what, Holiday Inn offers 24 hour service 7 days a week around the clock!!!!!
How is that compared to Nursing Homes rip off??????
No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount, plus senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken?
Light bulbs need changing?
Need a mattress replaced?
No problem!
They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grand kids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?
See what I mean, love this. What a concept.
As always leave comments through out the week to be entered. Just make sure if you’re entering Ellie’s you let us know.
Writing Wishes and Plotting Dreams,
Vicki
It also means it is time for a new contest. Actually I’m going to announce two contest. Yay, I love to have contest, especially when I’ve just finished reading a great book!
The first one is for Ellie, who won on my Pay It Forward contest. Since she doesn’t have a blog, she is going to do her PIF contest through mine. Her PIF runs from today through next Monday, February 25th. All you need to do is leave comments to her each day in order to be entered. Once she announces the winner I’ll post her email contact and she’ll take it from there.
Prizes for her contest include books, chocolate or a cute item. Ellie tell us what the cute item is.
This week I’ll be giving away a copy of Stacey Kayne’s book Maverick Wild.
This is the second book in the Wild series and I could not put it down. Now I’m waiting (not patiently mind you, but waiting) for the last in the series to come out. And no, I’m not giving away mine, it’s signed by Stacey to me. Who ever wins will receive a brand new shiny one. Stacey is also blogging over on Writers at Play today. Another great blog, where she and other authors or very soon be authors blog.
Here’s the back cover blurb:
Chance Morgan had locked away his heart. Until Cora Mae Tindale crossed half the country to find him. The beguiling creature who insisted on turning his serviceable ranch into a home was hiding something—and Chance was hell-bent on finding out her secrets!
Cora Mae only wanted a place to hide, but her youthful protector had grown into a war-hardened rancher with looks that could tempt a saint. Yet his dark glances were filled with distrust…and unmistakable desire. Cora Mae's childhood crush was rapidly becoming a much more adult craving!
I’ve mentioned Bruce’s blog before and if you didn’t go check it out and make it a daily read then, you should now. He’s Leslie Kelly, from the Plotmonkey’s husband and his blog rocks.
Reading his blog I found, stumbled, or whatever you want to call it, onto Malicious Intents blog. Love this blog. And it’s where I found the clock. Props to you MI.
The other day she posted this post from her father-in-law and I told her I was going to post it here. So, just when you thought you knew everything for retirement…think again, my friend.
From MI’s blog:
NO NURSING HOME FOR US
Guess what, Holiday Inn offers 24 hour service 7 days a week around the clock!!!!!
How is that compared to Nursing Homes rip off??????
No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount, plus senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken?
Light bulbs need changing?
Need a mattress replaced?
No problem!
They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grand kids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?
See what I mean, love this. What a concept.
As always leave comments through out the week to be entered. Just make sure if you’re entering Ellie’s you let us know.
Writing Wishes and Plotting Dreams,
Vicki
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Contest Winner and a Joke to Make You Smile
This weeks winner is Nancy!!! Congrats and I know you're going to love Sealed With A Kiss. Email me at vickilanewrites @yahoo.com with your snail mail addy.
Here's a little joke to make you smile. Yes, it's a blonde joke and No, not all blondes are silly. I'm sure we all know someone like this. And they aren't always blonde. :)
Blonde Needs a New Car
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it.' Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? Now it only has 50,000 miles on it!"
See you tomorrow for our word count check in and a new contest. Since it's not been that great a week for me I've got to get cracking.
Vicki
Here's a little joke to make you smile. Yes, it's a blonde joke and No, not all blondes are silly. I'm sure we all know someone like this. And they aren't always blonde. :)
Blonde Needs a New Car
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it.' Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? Now it only has 50,000 miles on it!"
See you tomorrow for our word count check in and a new contest. Since it's not been that great a week for me I've got to get cracking.
Vicki
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